Guitars

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 9:19 am

Bring em on! I'm having a battle of the wits with some of my band members and since my wits are VERY small, looking for some help!

You know......

What do you say to a bass player in a suit??

Will the defendant please rise! Very Happy

Give me some ammo!!! I know we had a ton before, but alas, with the old forum gone, I need help!!

Joined: 30 Nov 2003 Posts: 52 Location: Delawhere

Q: What do you call a person that likes to hang out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Joined: 30 Nov 2003 Posts: 1088 Location: Espoo, Finland

Q: What happens when the drummer asks at band practise "Can we try one of my songs?"

A: It's time to go home

Joined: 04 Dec 2003 Posts: 106

Q. How can you tell if it's a drummer knocking at your door?

A. The Knock speeds up then slows down then speeds up then slows down.

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 10:31 am

A.D. wrote:

Q. How can you tell if it's a drummer knocking at your door?

A. The Knock speeds up then slows down then speeds up then slows down.

yeah, and then he never knows when to come in

Joined: 29 Nov 2003 Posts: 1077 Location: Norway

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Joined: 29 Nov 2003 Posts: 1077 Location: Norway

and my personal favorite.......:

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

Joined: 30 Nov 2003 Posts: 52 Location: Delawhere

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but everybody has to be watching!

Joined: 29 Nov 2003 Posts: 4381 Location: Vaasa, Finland

Ok, my favorite...

A drummer was to Scottland...

He was driving by the countryside and noticed a sheepfarm..
He asked the owner of the sheeps that if he guessed how many sheeps the farmer had he'd get one.
The farmer said "Sure!"
"You got 213 sheep here" said the drummer
The farmer goes: "How the hell did you know that, well, ok, heres yer sheep"

*Drummer picks up the sheep*

Farmer sez: "Hey, if i guess you make for a living ill get my sheep back"

D: "ok..."

F: "Your a Drummer!"

D: "How the hell did you know that!"

F: "Put down the dog and we'll discuss it..."

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 1:49 pm

LOL! Now thats what I'm talking about!!

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:03 pm

Q. How do you make a guitar player's car more aerodynamic?

A. Take the Domino's sign off the top.

Q. Why do bands have bass players?

A. To translate for the drummer.

Dave

Joined: 29 Nov 2003 Posts: 79 Location: Dayton, Ohio

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless

A little boy says to his father "Dad when I grow up I want to be a guitarist."

His father replied, "Son you can't have it both ways."

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:43 pm

What’s the difference between a pizza and a guitarist?
A pizza can feed a family of 4!
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
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Why don’t bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
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General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."
*****************************************************
Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded
"That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52."
The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
*****************************************************
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20. One to hold the light bulb and 19 to stand around drinkin' till the room starts spinnin'!!!!!
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What do you call a building full of Guitar Players?
Jail.
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Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
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Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.
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What do you call a beautiful Woman on a Bass Player's arm?
A tattoo.
*****************************************************
What is the difference between a pig and a drummer?
A pig wouldn't stay up all night trying to f**k a drummer.
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What do you do if you see a drummer running around in your back yard, bleeding and screaming?
Stop laughing, reload, and shoot again.
*****************************************************
How many Vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just hold on, and the world revolves around them.
*****************************************************
Why did they invent keyboards?
So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.
*****************************************************
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
*****************************************************
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
*****************************************************
St. Peter's checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
*****************************************************
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
*****************************************************
How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?
Have them read off the same chart.
*****************************************************
Did you hear about the drummer who walked passed the bar?
...Well it could happen!
*****************************************************
How do you know your washroom has a straight floor?
A drummer has peed on both sides of the toiletseat.

Joined: 30 Nov 2003 Posts: 52 Location: Delawhere

WOW!!!

Definitely worth saving.

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2004 4:55 pm

Ziggy wrote:

and my personal favorite.......:

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

OMG Now that one is jsut plain WRONG Evil or Very Mad

and I take offense to that one (Bass player here) Evil or Very Mad

Joined: 29 Nov 2003 Posts: 2742 Location: Denver

Did you know that a drummer can park in handicapped spots as long as he puts his sticks on the dash?